The towel that is laying on the lounger is a little wet, past dive – just taken. It brings a coolness to the body that settles on it and extends. It is 36 degrees and it’s not even the hottest moment of the day yet. The sound of water and laughter bounces back and forward on the rocky walls. The water that comes out of the dolphin splashes in the clear blue water.
From the slide, people wave wildly and two cheerful men are getting ready to make the descent, slide down that slide.
The little man, age 6, makes the first descent. The second man, my boyfriend, follows him as soon as he splashes in the water. In this way the little man has the space to get away from the slide. “Help me, help me”, my little man shouts. But there is absolutely no panic in his voice. Although he doesn’t have his swimming diploma yet, we ensured that he can always save himself in the water.
A feeling of happiness engulfs me. I am immersed in it and I occasionally come up to breathe. I’ve been angry for so long. Angry because people don’t ride the bike fast enough, angry because people are always in a hurry on the bike, angry because I had to sit on the bike to get somewhere.
A constant feeling of anger that was eating me from the inside out. A feeling that should not have been necessary, if I had pulled the brakes in time (as a joke, we’ll just take that bike again as a metaphor). Turned out to be the only thing needed was a vacation.
A vacation to Spain in a luxurious hotel with an all-you-can-eat hotel with a giant swimming pool. And that’s a good holiday, where all you have to is be on time for the food and walk to the pool. Taking rest is love itself. A form of self-love that we allowed ourselves to do so.
Because going on vacation means that you have to do things, you have to live, experience things. Bali was a wonderful holiday, I enjoyed it intensely. I walked through beautiful rice fields, went to Ubud, went snorkelling, saw 101 temples and so on and so on and so on. Long story short, those days spend in Bali, we didn’t get any rest. A great experience nevertheless, and I would like to experience it yet another hundred more times. But only if it’s guaranteed that after that holiday, I have yet another holiday, to take the week off and recharge. In order to be able to process all the things I saw and did those days before.
Not everyone might need that, but I do. So that’s what I’m going to do now.
There’s peace in my mind now, ever since I let everything go, hang loose. It’s intense. Yes, I still want a lot. But no, it’s not necessary. I hope I clarified what the difference is. I want to do a lot of things again, because I finally have the energy again to do so. But I’m going to give it some time, let it run its course. I’ll no longer be angry with myself because I live contradictory in some things.
I’m going back to basics. Who I am is good. What I want is perfection. But that’s not always what lies is the possibilities.
So what to do when not everything can be done perfectly? Focus on the things that can, small steps. Make each step count. As long as there’s a solid base, a base made of self-love. And I will continue from there